


When You Leave

by Word_Painting



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Deppression, M/M, Modern, Painter Eren, Writer/Editor Levi, ereri, riren - Freeform, shingeki no kyojin - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-15
Updated: 2018-12-11
Packaged: 2019-05-07 14:38:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 20,844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14673204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Word_Painting/pseuds/Word_Painting
Summary: Levi faces a world of anxieties and insecurities everyday. He finds it hard to get out of bed, he takes pills to calm himself down, and he focuses on work in order to keep himself drowning from his own thoughts. But all of that changes when he meets a boy with the most prettiest green eyes he's ever seen. Eyes he can't look away from.





	1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

The cold nightmare hit me making me remember the fact that I'm alone, in this room, in the dark, with sheets that make me shiver and a continuous whirl of a fan that does nothing other than to help me slide into my own thoughts easier. The room is cold, just like how I like it. The air is fresh, just how I like it. The room is dark, just how I like it. I'm alone in this room, just like I like to believe I like it. It's morning. 6:29 ticking to 6:30, not how I like it. When that alarm rings I'll be reminded about work, schedules, meetings, the same daily tasks I have to perform at the same exact time I have to perform them, creating a pattern of everyday, doing the same old thing, in this world where everything's a prison, but only to stay in this prison in order to protect myself from the haunting world that always seems to begin at 6:30. A high pitched ring that seems to scream in the same unison of agony at the same time I'm awake, because we both know what a day is and how much misery it brings. We both know how hard it is to get out of bed, to face the same old hell, the same old prison. Not wanting to die, but not wanting to live either. Not knowing exactly how to end it all, but not knowing exactly how to keep going either. The alarm clock gets me. I end its misery with a click of a button. I wish I could do that for myself.

 6:31. One minute being too slow, knowing I'm going to have to live many more minutes that seem to hold infinities, of boredom, of anxiety, of hate, of me going crazy. 6:32. I'm out of bed. My feet hit the cold wooden floor. I find myself getting out of bed, but wishing I was in bed. I could stay home, not get a paycheck. Stay there till one day I run out of money and someone kicks me out, or until someone notices I'm gone. Even so, who would notice I'm gone? Maybe the neighbor down the hall, or some old acquaintances, but who would even care? I'm a grump who doesn't give a shit about anything. I don't do anything for nobody. I am just a nobody. A nobody with a nobody job, a nobody life, a life with nobody to care about. 6:33. I'm in the shower letting the water burn my back. I let it burn. I didn't care. 6:43. Out of the shower, my dark hair parted more on the right side then the left. 6:45 in a white button up shirt, dark pants. 6:50. I kick up the Keurig, forget breakfast. 7:00. I have my coffee, shoes, I'm out the door. I'm in the car, on the road, with barely to no sleep, already ready for the day to end. Ready to finally have a reason for something. The car starts. I drive. The road blurs, the buildings blur, and I focus on the road. I distract myself like I always seemed to do. Work was a distraction. It was busy, something for me to do. Something to keep my mind away from everything that kept me up at night. Driving was not a distraction. It made my thought louder, let things sink in. I distract myself with the time. It's 7:09. 1...2...3...4. I count the seconds. I turn the wheel, stop at a red light, and wait. 5...6...7...8. Breath in, breath out, breath in, breath out.

 I parked at the rectangular building. The windows large and tinted blue. On the building in bold letters are the words GARRISON PUBLISHING. In, out, in, out, in, out, in, out. I quickly grabbed the bottle of pills sitting in the front compartment of my car. Plopping two in my mouth and swallowing it with an extra water bottle I had in the front. I took in deep breathes as I waited for it to kick in. My doctor had prescribed me this medication. It was to relieve stress, and make me numb since I seemed to constantly have anxiety and panic attacks. My thoughts dimmed down. I looked at the clock. Its 7:15 and I'm off to work. I'm out the door, in the building, not forgetting to lock the car door, and then I'm in the sanctuary of my office. 

Paperwork stacked neatly on the brown wood of my desk. The computer blank and not yet awakened. A slate with my name printed in bold letters, Levi Ackerman. Levi Ackerman. Just a boring ass editor, who's always busy and has no purpose other than to sit on a chair and do work. That's apparently God's purpose pushed onto me, and everybody else. Do your work, waste your life at a desk, waste your youth until you finally have enough money to retire. And even then you're too old to do anything anymore. You wasted your youth at a desk and now you have too many health problems to do the things you've always wanted to do. It's the biggest fuck you of the world. I sit at my desk, turn on the computer. I read emails, go through manuscripts, (only finding a few to my liking,) meet with authors, discuss the book and publishing dates, until the day passes by with many distractions and flying colors. It's 2:00 and there's many more hours to go. A knock on the door and I look up to see Erwin, a publisher at this company. Erwin had big, broad shoulders, and in my annoyance was as tall as the fucking Eiffel Tower. His blond hair was slicked back, and his eyebrows always seemed to furrow in a knot. We had known each other for years, since high school. We both loved literature and decided to go to the same college together. Erwin wasn't a writer, but his main goal at the time was to become an Editor. He quickly realized the job wasn't for him so he earned his bachelor's in publishing, and I earned mine in English.

"Levi? You have a moment?" he asked. His voice gruff and low as always.

"Sure," I sighed waving him in. I watched as he walked from the entrance of the door towards me. His hands were in his pockets, looking stern (like always) as he observed my office he had already seen a million thousand times.

"Hanji and I were thinking of going downtown to a bar tomorrow night, do you want to come?"

"I'll pass," I said going back to the email I was writing before he walked through the door. I could practically feel Erwin's cold eyes burning holes through me in condemnation. 

"Levi, how long has it been since you've had a break off work?"

"Erwin," I huffed. "I'm fine."

"No you're not. When you work it's usually very late hours, and you practically shut yourself in that old dinky apartment of yours." I snorted at that. Dinky? He'd laugh if he saw how clean it was. I scrub the shit out of the damn thing. The apartment was nice too, well, with my paycheck.

"So? I like peace and quiet is all." 

"It won't do you any harm to come with us."

"Oh yes it would. Hanji is going to make me deaf by the time I'm 32. She's loud, and squeally. Don't get me started on how messy that fucking thing is. She's fucking annoying, almost as annoying as you are being at this moment." I shot him a glare. I wanted nothing more than for him to leave me alone. A frustrated sigh escaped the blonde man's mouth. I returned to my email. There was a moment of silence. The only sound being me tapping furiously at my keyboard trying to ignore Erwin's cold stare. 

"How long has it been Levi?" I could practically feel the angry shaking in his breath. I continued to type, not meeting his eyes. "You just sitting around and living a lonely life? You push people away. I know it's because of Petra and Timmy." The mention of their names made me stiffen up. I stopped typing at the keyboard, my breath hitching as I took a large gulp. I continued to type a second later like it didn't affect me as he continued talking. "But that was five years ago. It's time to move on." Move on? My head screamed. They were everything dipshit! Move on?! "And the first step is to close that laptop at 5 tomorrow, and come to the bar with me and Hanji."

"No thanks," I said the anger laced with my words. I sensed he got the hint because I heard him shift a little towards the door, my eyes still not daring to look at him.

"Hey Levi," he said. "Look at me." I grimaced and looked up to see Erwin hovering over my desk, his breath mighty close to my face. I felt tingles down my spine, and my heart began beating a mile a minute. His blue eyes were austere and unsmiling. I hadn't ever felt so frightened, though I did my best to hide it, to be impassive. "It's time to stop closing yourself in that apartment like a stuffed pig. I can tell you're miserable. Don't act like you aren't. I can see it in your eyes Levi. You're full of pain and stress. It's not going to hurt you to come to the bar tomorrow night."

"I'm not stuffed up," I huffed averting my gaze from his intense stare. "Neither am I miserable." I heard him sigh. I watched as he pinched his nose from the stress of this conversation. The tension in this room was palpable, and it made me tense. I wanted him out of this room, now.  "F-fine," I gave in. "I'll go. But only if you're driving."

"Excellent," he said. "We'll head out right after work tomorrow. I'll meet you here." I watched as he left with a creak in the door, leaving me to my own thoughts. My eyes trailed back to my email. A frustrated, elongated sigh eluded my lips. 

"Fuck," I muttered. 

 

*****

The next day was horrible. I kept on thinking about how miserable tonight was going to be. Hanging around with shitty glasses, (Hanji) and eyebrows (Erwin). I might as well get wasted tonight. Forget the whole damn thing ever happened. Continue my life normally the next day. I sighed as the time ticked to 5:00. Damn clocks, and damn time. I heard the light soft knock at my door signaling it was my cue to go. I closed my laptop and looked up to see Erwin standing there, his expression surprisingly lighter than usual. His eyebrows more in a curve then scolding and cross. "Ready to go?" he asked looking at his watch he always seemed to wear. 

"Yeah," I exhaled softly as I put my laptop in the black shoulder bag I carried around. "First can we go to my place and drop this off?" I asked signaling to my bag. I liked to write on the weekends, or whenever I could. I usually brought the laptop home, even though it was meant for work and such. 

"Sure," he said. "Hanji's waiting in the car." I groaned mentally. I didn't want to see shitty glasses. It's not like I hated them. They were one of my childhood friends. There was a time where I'd have told them anything and everything. I was just too tired to put up with their shit today. They're awfully loud and annoying. They called me weird nicknames and were extra touchy. I have to be in the right mood to deal with that crap. Even so if they're loud, messy, and fucking annoying as shit, they're still was good company. I hadn't seen them in over a month. Me being busy with work, and them also busy being busy with their weird lab shit. (Hanji is a chemist, and a giant nerd at that.) So I guess I was sort of excited to see them. Not too excited though.

We arrived at the parking lot. The lot was small but not cramped. Only a few cars were in the lot since everybody else had already left after work. Garrison publishing was a small company, but one of the most well known publishing companies to authors. Only the best editors worked here, and I was lucky to be one of them, I guess. Before I was an editor I was an author. A famous one at that. I've had published in total about five works. My most popular being "If You Were the Sun." A sappy romance novel I had written eight years ago. Back when everything was happy and full of sunshine.

We approached Erwin's car. Erwin had taken the liberty to drive me to work this morning given the plans for the night. We both figured it would be pointless to drive two cars, especially since my apartment was close to downtown anyways. Erwin's car was a nice sleek 2012 Nissan Maxima. Not my favorite type of car but it was incredibly close to something I would drive. I noted that me and Erwin still had the same kind of taste in things. We liked peace and quiet, we were both organized, our taste in clothes was about the same, we liked the same books, and we both prefer tea over coffee. (Even though I still drink coffee in the mornings because it has more caffeine than tea.) In the car rock music was blasting, and I immediately knew Hanji was in there. Like I said, they're loud. In the window I could see their figure dancing around, they had clearly not noticed us yet. I watched as Erwin went up to the window and gently knocked. Hanji's eyes immediately perked up, and a bright smile was set on their face when they saw me. They rushed out of the car, pulling me in a giant, way to tight of a hug. 

"LEVI BEAR!" they cried. I grumbled sort of awkwardly trying to hug back, but finding it impossible with the ways my arms were pinned to my sides. "It's so good to finally see you! We have to catch up!" They moved away revealing their dorky face. Hanji wasn't attractive, neither were they unappealing. Hanji's about average with messy, mousy brown hair pulled up into a ponytail, and their glasses that looked like goggles considering they took up half their face.   
  


"You still have shit for glasses," I muttered at them. Their grin only grew wider.  
  


"And you’re still the same old Levi I know." They gave me a soft pinch on the nose before retreating to the car. "You coming shorty?" They asked walking into the passenger seat of the car. I rolled my eyes at the nickname and looked up to see a small smile plastered on Erwin’s face.  
  


"What’s the smile for dipshit?" I asked him raising my brow.   
  


"Oh nothing. Just for someone who thinks Hanji is "fucking annoying,"" he quoted with his fingers. "You seem pretty happy to see her." I rolled my eyes at him.  
  


"Oh shut up Eyebrows. Let’s get this night over with." I walked into the car huffing a sigh. I could tell I was going to need a lot of booze to get through this night.  
  
                                                                                                                      *****  
  
"A gay bar!? You brought me to a gay bar!?" I bellowed angrily. The bar was stuffed with so much sweat it was nauseating. There was loud music, and many colorful lights to the point it was blinding. I hated loud, and sweaty places that tried to rip your ears out. Almost as much as I hated Hanji right at this moment.  
  


"Oh come on Levi!" Cried Hanji wrapping their arm around my shoulders. "We're all queer here! Especially you Levi-bear!" they said smugly giving me a wink-wink-nudge-nudge.   
  


"Hanji. I haven’t hooked up with a guy since high school."  
  


"Yeah. Because you fell in love with Petra, got married, had a kid. We all know the story." Erwin butted in. My heart couldn't help but sting at the thought of Petra. "But that doesn’t changes the fact that you’re bisexual."  
  


"I thought we were going to a nice, QUIET bar to have a few drinks. I didn’t agree to THIS!" I hissed pointing at all the dancing crowd.   
  


"Oh relax Levi-bear! Maybe you’ll find a cute guy here!"  
  


"So the whole point of tonight was to hook me up with a guy?!"  
  


"Pretty much. Yeah." replied Erwin.  
  


"Great, just great." I folded my arms in annoyance. I really wanted to kill myself right now.  
  


"Levi, we just want to find you someone who will make you happy you know? But every time you do date you find a girl who looks like Petra. It's not helping you much to move on."

"Yeah, like when?"

"Megan remember? She looked exactly like Petra with the red hair and freckles. You were together for a year before she mentioned she wanted to get married, then you pushed her away." Hanji gave me a saddened smile. "It’s time to move on Levi. And the first step is to talk to the guy right there!" They pointed at some blond boy across the room and I rolled my eyes.   
  


"No thanks. Blondes aren’t my type." Erwin gave me a glowering glare.  
  


"What’s wrong with blondes?" I gave him an amused snort. Ignoring him and his stupid glowering.    
  


"What about that one?" Hanji asked excitedly, pointing at another boy.  
  


"Hanji, hasn’t anyone told you it’s rude to point?" Hanji gave me a small pout.  
  


"How else am I going to find you a cute guy?" I rolled my eyes.  
  


"I'm going to get a drink." A big ass drink. I walked towards the bar, which emitted a blue light. The bartender was talking to someone and then quickly went off to make a drink. When he was done he walked over to me. But before I could say what I wanted he slid a pretty cup with a ruby red liquid in it. I looked at him curiosly demanding an explanation.  
  


"It’s courtesy from the boy at the end of the bar." he said. I raised my eyebrows questioningly looking at the end of the bar. A brown haired boy smiled up at me and gave me a little wave. A boy with the most beautiful green eyes I had ever seen.

“Shit,” I muttered.

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi meets Eren.

I walked up to the boy reluctantly, with the drink in my hand. This is not how I expected the night to go at all. I felt the anxiety creep through my body. My heart was pounding and I was pretty sure I wasn’t breathing right. I hadn’t done this in such a long time. In years. My heart rate climbed up, I was racing, and soon I was in the presence of the green eyed boy. Nervous, not sure what to say. My hands were gripping the petite pretty glass like it was my life force. He looked at me and smiled, being the first to break the silence.

“Hey,” he said. His voice was bright, and calming, almost warm. I felt my heart skip a beat.

“Hey,” I replied.

“I’m Eren,” he said a goofy grin coating his face. I immediately liked his name.

“Levi,” I mumbled. I just wanted to leave. I hated people, I hated Hanji and Erwin for dragging me here, I hated this stinky ass bar, but mostly I just hated life and my crippling anxiety that was making it hard for me to comprehend words. All I could do was take a seat next to this boy and hope he didn't notice my shaking, or my averting eyes trying to find an escape out of here. It didn't help that I knew the reason why he bought me a drink was to find a way to get into bed with me. I hoped that it wasn't that, that for once someone wanted to get to know me genuinely. But the chances of someone looking at a complete stranger and going 'oh yeah, he looks interesting, I want to get to know him,' were not that high. In fact they were close to zero. I'm one of the most boring people you could get the pleasure to know. 

He asked me questions, I mumbled answers awkwardly. I took a sip of the wine that he had bought me, and to my surprise it wasn’t that bad.

“How old are you?” He asked.

“30,” I replied.

“Holy shit you’re 30?! I thought you were like 22?!” I shrugged. Many people made the mistake about my age. I was short and mature looking, but had a plump face.

“How old are you?” I asked.

“23.”

“So you’re just a kid.”

“I’m not a kid.”

“Whatever...kid.” I smirked at him, and earned a playful nudge. For a kid he was kind of cute. A bit of a brat, but cute. The bar was loud but we talked for a while. As we kept going I could feel some of my awkward tension melt. The  conversation between us fell smoothly, and for once I felt like someone was genuinely interested in what I had to say. (Although, many of my answers to his more personal questions were brief.) I learned Eren was a scatterbrain, (which made him awfully fun to tease) and a bit of a visionary. I felt like I could listen to him for hours, and I probably would have if I hadn't caught Erwin and Hanji spying on me with little evil glints in their eyes. 

"Do you want to go somewhere else?" I asked Eren.

"Yeah sure. Where to?" 

"We could go to my place. It's about a block or two away from here." 

"Ok."

We walked outside of the bar. I didn't bother telling Hanji and Erwin the situation, knowing very well they probably knew what was going on. I normally don't like fresh air, but the air outside felt like heaven compared to the sweaty, stinky mess that was in the  bar. The sky was dark, and based on the fact that it was fall I guessed the time was about 6:30. The streets shined a warm yellow light and I looked at the boy next to me. Eren had shaggy brown chocolate hair, that seemed to fit his facial features just right. His nose was cute and curved like a little button. He wore a light green jacket to keep him warm which brought out his beautiful green eyes.  There was something familiar about him. He reminded me of forest pine on a warm sunny day, or an ocean breeze and sand toasted from the afternoon sun. I stuffed my hands in my jacket pockets to protect them from the cold, and soon we were at the front door of my apartment. Apartment 415. I unlocked the door and mentioned to Eren to take his shoes off so he doesn't track dirt in. 

“Do you want something to drink?” I asked as I went to my liquor cabinet pulling out some whisky for myself. He followed after me.

“Yeah. That’d be great.” I nodded getting out two cups and filling them up with the carmelly liquid. I handed one over to him. He muttered a small thanks before we both moved into the living room area onto the couch. 

“If you spill on the couch I will fucking murder you,” I said, more playfully then anything.

“First you don’t want me to drag dirt into the house, then you don’t want me to spill anything on the couch, and your house happens to be perfectly spotless? Is Levi some sort of clean freak?” I snorted at his comment.

“Clean freak is an understatement,” I replied. He gave me a light chuckle. The conversation diminished and I kept on drinking. 

“What do you do for a living?” Asked Eren.

“I’m an Editor for Garrison Publishing.”

“Ah. Cool. What kind of Editing?”

“Book editing. You?”

“Huh?”

“What do you do for a living?”

“Oh! I’m an artist actually,” Eren said taking another drink. “I have a gallery that’s actually gotten pretty popular. You should come check it out sometime.” 

“Ok,” I said pouring more whisky into my cup. The night continued on, and me and Eren continued drinking and drinking, talking and talking. My head felt clouded and a bit of dizziness took over my head. I was pretty sure I was buzzed or close to drunk, and all of a sudden the conversation between me and Eren began to blur. All I could focus on was how attractive Eren was, with his glittering green eyes and messy hair. Fuck was I attracted to this boy. His words blurred into my thoughts and all of a sudden all the walls and barriers I had put in my head didn’t seem to matter anymore. Before I knew what I was doing, I had grabbed onto his collar and kissed him. Kissed him hard. I felt him freeze a little before he kissed back, and damn was he a good kisser.

 

His mouth was sweet and warm and I could taste the whisky on his breathe. His tongue invaded my mouth and it was so sickly sweet I couldn’t help but want more. My hands tangled into his hair and I pressed my lips closer to his, earning a little moan from his soft lips. Fuck, was I turned on. The kiss got hotter and steamier, and then all of a sudden I was straddling him, my hands groping his hair, my eyes squeezed shut. I hadn’t done this sort of thing in a long time, and the need was powerful and longing. Soon we were up off the coach and onto my bed, my judgement clouded, my head dizzy from the alcohol and the kiss, and I let myself enjoy the night. 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That escalated quickly. Let me know if there’s any mistakes. Comments and Kudos are greatly appreciated.


	3. Chapter 3

As soon as I woke up, I regretted it. He was right here, sleeping on my bed, looking so peaceful. And here I was, lying here awake, about to have a panic attack. I cursed myself for doing this to myself. Getting myself drunk, having sex with a guy I barely knew. My head was swirling. I felt like someone had stuffed my brain in a washing machine, then fucked it back up into my head. I looked back up to the resting boy. The reality of the situation hit me like a bomb. My heart pounded against my chest so loud I could hear it in my eardrums. My breathing became irregular, and I practically jumped out of bed, quickly putting some clothes on grabbing my keys and heading out to the car. I unlocked the door and searched furiously through the front compartment before finding what I needed. An orange bottle, 36 pills, prescribed to Levi Ackerman. Quickly I plopped two pills in my mouth, and swallowed them with the water bottle I had used the day before. I sat down on the front seat of my car laying my head on the wheel, trying to take in deep breathes. In....out....in....out. I felt like crying. I felt like screaming. I felt like dying. I didn't want to go back to the apartment. Maybe I could stay here for a couple hours until he left, or I could go to a cafe and chill for a couple hours. Get a nice, iced black tea. That sounded nice. But I didn't want to go out into public and deal with a people. I was awkward and a train wreck. Only giving people short answers, and muttering under my breath. And I knew I couldn't stay in the car either. I'd just drift into my thoughts, and that's something I didn't need right now. Taking a deep inhale, then exhale, I headed back to room 415. I grabbed my laptop, and thought it was best to just do what I usually did on a saturday morning. I started up my Keurig at 7:41, set up my laptop at 7:43, and toasted a piece of toast at 7:45. My coffee was ready by 7:48, my toast by 7:49. By the time I buttered it, and rested my butt in my chair it was 7:50. I wrote at the kitchen table trying to keep my mind off everything. My fingers doing the work of my mind as I created a setting, put out all of the characters emotions onto the page instead of mine. Occasionally I'd take a bite of toast, or a sip of coffee, but I was mainly focusing on my distraction. 8:00. Eren came out of my room and down the hallway, with even messier hair then yesterday, and wearing the same clothes from last night. His eyes were groggy, his walk slow like a zombie.  
"Morning," I heard him mumble as he walked towards the front door.  
"Morning," I muttered back, continuing to type. I watched at the corner of my eye as he slipped his shoes on. My eyes trailed back to the page, not daring to look at him. I wasn't sure what else those green eyes could make me do.

"Could I get your number?" He blurted out. I could practically hear the nervousness in his voice.

"No," I said bluntly, still typing away. I hated this. I didn't want to hurt his feelings, but I also didn't want mine hurt in the future. 

"Why not? I had a good time last night, and I'd like to see you again." My heart did a little flutter and my mind pleaded not to look at him. All of a sudden the whole 'someone not wanting to get to genuinely know me' thing felt like bullshit, then again 'I'd like to see you again' could be code for, 'I want to fuck you again.' But before I knew it I was looking into his eyes. Green eyes that demanded for me to say something, anything.

"Give me one sec." I said before crossing over to the kitchen and grabbing a sticky note and a pen from the junk drawer. I carefully wrote my number on the yellow, squared paper and handed it to him. 

 

"Thanks," he said twisting the doorknob and cracking open the door, saying a little goodbye before he left. I didn't say it back as he closed the door behind him.

*****

 

The office was quiet on Monday morning. Like usual. Other employees were doing their work, in the sanctuary of their work spaces, and I was doing mine in the privacy of my office. Everything seemed normal, except for the fact that I couldn't calm down. I took my pills this morning, and commonly that had done the trick. But this morning, here I was, staring at my phone, using all my willpower not to chuck it out the window. Eren had texted. The message was as simple as a "Hey Levi, it's Eren," and yet it still made me hyperventilate in pure apprehension. I didn't know how to reply. My fingers that were ordinarily always typing, always finding something to say, were frozen at the time I needed them most. Shit. Did I even wanted to reply? Replying meant confirming I wanted a relationship with him. I wasn't sure if I wanted to go through all that again, to get hurt again. I sighed setting my phone down. I'd deal with this crap later.

By the time I did touch my phone again, it was noon, and time for lunch. I had missed another call from Hanji, who had been trying to get a hold of me all weekend. I didn't want to answer them and deal with all their bullshit about me 'meeting someone.' I didn't even know if I wanted to see the kid again. A sinking feeling in my gut materialized. I still hadn't replied to Eren.

I ended up going out to lunch. I went to my favorite place, Rose Cafe, that was located only a block from my office. It was nice because I didn't have to drive. I hated driving in the city. I ordered what I usually ordered. A black, unsweetened iced tea, and an avocado spinach salad. What I liked about Rose Cafe is I had been here so many times before that they already knew what to get me. Only one question was asked, if I'd like the usual. I'd nod in exchange, sit at my favorite spot (unless if someone was already sitting there) and wait. I finished eating fairly quickly, tipping the waitress before heading back to work. 5:00 passed, I stayed at work an extra hour. I went home, playing The Beatles in the car, distracting myself with the well known lyrics to "I Want to Hold Your Hand." The sky was starting to get dark, leaving me with the familiar taste of grogginess as I headed up to my apartment. I unlocked the door, walked inside, and took of my shoes, got into something comfy, before heading to my bed. 

I was just drifting off to sleep before I heard a loud ding. Groaning I picked up my phone. it was just a dumb notification for an update I needed to have done months ago. All of a sudden I remembered I still hadn't texted Eren back. The drowsiness I was starting to feel was had begun to fade, and soon was replaced by a sense of dread. I clicked on the green messaging app, swiped right to reveal the red delete button. My thumb hovered over it, I couldn't press down, my breathing stopped. I tried to summon all my willpower to just squeeze my eyes shut and press it. I tried convincing myself that it wouldn't matter. My life would continue normally afterwards. I wasn't going to miss anything. Sighing I set my phone down. I thought of all the things that had gone wrong in my life. Megan, Petra...Timmy. I thought of all the memories from when me and Petra had fallen in love, built a family. The day Timmy was born, the day we got married, the day we found out she was pregnant, ...the day we bought this apartment. I looked around my room, the room that used to be our room, the room that used to feel like home. I couldn't remember her smell anymore, it had gone with her when she had left. All I Had was a memory of a smile, and little pieces of her that held proof that she had once upon a time been here. A lump formed at my throat, and tears started to form. How long has it been since I smiled? I didn't know. Petra seemed to have taken that away from me as well when she left. 

All of a sudden I was angry. God had taken so much away, and I'm letting him tear me apart. It had been five years since I had truly loved, since I had been happy, and I was letting him laugh at me by just sitting around. God's biggest fuck you was all of this. The pills that said would 'fix me' but continued to do jack shit, the doctors that said they could save him but watched him die, the memories of this apartment that I could never get back. I looked back up at my phone, looking at Eren's number. I looked at it for a couple minutes before taking a deep breath, and typing a simple "Hey." The anxiousness in my chest diminished, and before I knew it I had clicked send, and assigned Eren's contact name under "Brat."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, not the best chapter. The next chapter should be better, and provide a little more insight on Levi's past. Kudos and comments are appreciated. Thanks.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi and Eren go on "date?"

_It was cold. My head was down. My figure in a familiar white room. My eyes staring at my watch, on my pale wrist._

_Tick tock, beep. Tick tock beep. A boy laid on the white bed in front of me. My watch ticked, his monitor beeped. The clock reminding me there wasn't much time left, and the monitor reminding me that it was almost the end._

_Tick tock, beep. Tick tock, beep._

_Failure._

_beep, beep, beep, beep._

_Chaos._

_Beep, beep, beep, beep._

_Awake._

_Nurses flooded the room, a doctor put on his gloves, I was being dragged away. I screamed and pushed, but I was forced out, the door slamming behind me and locking with a click. I was out in the waiting room, a woman across from me hugging her knees to her body and crying. Her red hair a mess, her brown irises locking with mine as she rocked back and forth. We both looked into each others eyes, holding onto the gaze like its all we had. We both felt something in common._

_Fear._

My eyes peeled open to the bright light in my room. My body was shaking, I felt like puking. I hadn't had that dream in a long time. I sat up carefully, trying to calm down, but I couldn't. I was so sick of this. I just wanted to be normal again. I wanted to wake up without anxiety eating me alive, without trying to distract myself, without having to take pills to live my life normally.

I walked into my bathroom and washed my face with some cool water. I took in deep breathes, making sure to take my pills. Once the pills kicked in I headed back to my bed and checked my phone. I had one notification. A text message under the name "Brat." We had texted each other back and forth all night last night until eventually he asked me to go to lunch with him on Saturday. I ended up accepting his offer. The message asked if two a clock was okay with me, and I replied with a casual "Sure," before getting ready for work.

*****

Saturday rolled around pretty quickly, and I found myself to be more nervous then I thought I'd be. For the first time in years I couldn't find something decent enough to wear. It was such a problem I almost called Hanji for advice. I eventually settled for a black sweater with a high collar, and a pair of blue jeans. When I was finished getting ready I was so anxious I began cleaning my house like a maniac. I cleaned the already clean sink, redid the counters, dusted everything, disinfected the floors, and vacuumed all the carpets. I was an emotional, neurotic mess.

A knock sounded at the door, and I did my best not to freak out. I took a deep breath, and slowly walked up to the door, pleading to God that I didn't look like an anxious mess, before opening the door.

My breath wavered at the sight of him. He was devilishly handsome as ever. He was wearing a brown peacoat and a black scarf that covered his face just below his nose. His hands were stuffed in his pockets, and his nose was a tint pink from the cold. His green eyes were greener then I remembered, and his chocolate brown hair was messy from the wind.

"H-hi," I said. I mentally cursed myself for letting my uneasiness show through.

"Hi," he replied, his voice brilliantly bright. "Ready to go?" He asked. I did a quick nod before grabbing my coat off the rack by the door, putting it on and as well wrapping my green woolen scarf around my neck. I walked out the door locking it, and putting the key in my pocket for safe keeping.

The next moments were silent and awkward as we walked to my car. I probably would have said something if I wasn't so nervous, but my mind was blank and I didn't know what to do around the brat. I accepted his lunch offer on a whim. I knew I shouldn't have done it, but I did it anyways. A sense of self hatred crept through my body. Why did I have to be such a piece of shit?

The car drive was silent too. We didn't start talking until we arrived at Rose Cafe. I ordered my usual, and Eren ordered a ham and cheese croissant, and some insanely, sweet, shitty coffee. The coffee literally had WHIPPED CREAM on top. Who the fuck ruins coffee with WHIPPED CREAM?

"What the fuck is that shit supposed to be?" I asked gesturing to the coffee.

"Coffee, why?"

"It looks more like a shake then fucking coffee." Eren snickered.

"I take it your a guy who drinks his coffee black?"

"Yup. The way coffee should be."

Eren cringed. "It's way to bitter black. This is better. Try it."

"No thanks kid. I can already tell it's going to taste like shit." Eren rolled his eyes, pushing the drink towards me. I huffed a sigh, and took a drink from the plastic red straw. It was sweet, way to fucking sweet. "That shit is gross." Eren laughed at me and started drinking his "coffee." His smile was so bright, I couldn't help but blush a little bit.

"So where did you grow up?"

"In the country."

"Oh, me too actually. I moved here so I could make it as an artist." I gave him a simple nod in reply. I initially moved here to make it as a writer. I didn't really like the city, but if you are going into a field like me and Eren's it was necessary to move to one. We continued talking, and soon an hour had passed. The brat was cute, and I couldn't help but like him even more.

The anxiety in my chest rose up again as we continued. I wasn't sure what Eren's motives were. I felt like with this kid I wanted an actual relationship, I wanted to get to know him. But I wasn't sure what he wanted. The idea that he was just using me for sex kept popping in my head, and I wouldn't be suprised if the idea was true. I mean the night we had met he was just looking for a hookup, and I happened to be the guy. I may have been the first to initiate it, when we had arrived at my apartment, but I bet if I hadn't he would've been the first to make a move.

"Eren?" I asked. My voice was jittery, and I was wired in fear. I knew this bright eyed boy, if I continued to talk to him like this, could potentially fuck me up. Fuck me up more than I am now. 

"Yeah."

"Um... about the other night. I normally don't do hookups or anything, and I... I don't know. What I mean is to say is I'm genuinely interested in you, and if this whole thing ends up being just for sex. I don't think I can do it."

"That's fine. To be honest I'm genuinely interested in you too." My heart sped up at those words, I was pretty sure I could've died from happiness. My face flushed, and my breathing became still. I heard him chuckle. "Your face is bright red."

"And you're a little brat."

"Little? I'm pretty sure your the little one here short stuff."

I huffed. "It's not my fault you're a fucking tree." He laughed at that. A contagious laugh, that spread butterflies to my stomach. I had known this brat for only a week, and yet he had taken an effect on me. I felt like a lovesick highschool girl, and I wasn't sure if I hated it or loved it.

A sinking feeling formed at the bottom of my stomach. I better prepare for when he leaves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I edited this fairly quickly so please let me know if there are any mistakes. Also let me know if I did ok on the dialogue, I feel a bit insecure about it. Kudos and comments are appreciated. Thanks guys.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren and Levi watch a movie. Things get a bit awkward?

The next week went by with flying colors, and it was all Eren's fault. He was constantly on my mind, whether his smile haunted my head at work, whether he made me so happy I began humming in the shower, to now where I was smiling like an idiot on my phone texting him. This week had just been Eren, Eren, Eren, Eren, Eren, and I hated myself for becoming so creepily obsessed with him. Our texts consisted of little jokes and tiny ridicules back and forth to each other. The kid grew more on me every second, and I tried not to let it bother me, but it did.

In truth I was scared out of my mind. I felt like I was trapped. My mind was screaming for me to run away like I always did. To hide from him, and all my feelings that came in a wrapped package of Eren Yeager. But I was consumed by these feelings. I couldn't say no to the damn kid no matter how hard I tried. Every call, every text, every meeting only made me go more crazy, and made me say more unwanted, mental yes's. 

My phone rang and I looked to see that it was in fact the shitty brat texting me. I couldn't suppress my smile as I giddily picked up the phone and pressed it to my ear.

"Hey," I said.

"Wow, you sure answered quick. Were you excited that I called?" He teased.

"You wish," I said sarcastically rolling my eyes. I didn't miss his cute laughter ringing through the phone. It almost made me smile, almost.

"So, I was thinking of maybe ordering some chinese food and having you come to my place sometime this week. I'd like to see you again." This time I could really feel my heart skyrocket into the air.

"Sure," I breathed, a part of me hating my excitement, and another part of me hating myself for hating my excitement. That's what it was always like with me. Me always believing I didn't deserve anything good handed to me, and the other part silently craving for happiness, and urging me forward. Both sides reminded me of how shitty of a person I really am, and how I'm constantly lost in circles of feelings and emotions. 

"Is tomorrow night good for you?"

"Yeah."

"Coolio."

"Did you just say coolio?"

"Yup."

"Add that to the list of "Dumb Things Eren Has Said.""

"Shaddap. You can be so mean sometimes." He whined. I could practically feel his cute little fake pout through the phone. A small smile hinted my lips, along with a little chuckle. 

"Whatever, kid."

" 'M not a kid," I heard him grumble.

"Yes you are."

"If I'm a kid you're an old cranky man." I scowled. I wasn't that old.

"And you're a shitty brat." 

"And you're... I don't have any comebacks." I snorted at him. 

"Night, kid."

"G'night." 

*****

"We're watching Meet the Parents? Seriously?" My deadpan voice not amused in the slightest as me and Eren sat on his disgusting, old, brown couch, with a white box of chinese sweet and sour chicken in my hand. I really hated cheesy shit. 

"It's a good movie!" Eren exclaimed looking slightly offended. "Have you ever even seen Meet the Parents?" 

"Eren, I'm 30. I've had my fair share of cheesy romantic comedies."

Eren gasped. "Are you saying you haven't seen Meet the Parents?!"

"Eren, my god. I have seen Meet the Parents. Are you going to play the movie or not?" Eren grinned at me excitedly as he pressed the play button, and grabbed his box of shitty chinese food from the table in front of the couch. I watched him stuff his face full of noodles, and I couldn't help but roll my eyes at the kid.

The movie wasn't all that bad. It was cheesy as fuck, but not bad considering Eren's eyes lit up at the screen, and his laughter was damn bright every time something "funny" happened. Halfway through, I stopped glancing at the screen. All I could look at was the gorgeous boy in front of me. Did he know how beautiful his eyes were? Did he use it to his advantage? Those eyes seemed to always manipulate me. I was first drawn to him because of his eyes, and now everytime they light up my stomach does somersaults and flips. His eyes were something only written in books, in fairytales. His eyes were a writers wet dream. 

All of a sudden he was looking at me, his green eyes piercing my gaze.

"You're staring," he said with a small smile. My face grew a bit pink, and I looked away.

"Sorry," I muttered. He chuckled at me.

"You know for a guy who's stoic, and acts tough, you do have a lot of emotion behind those gray eyes of yours." I scoffed at him.

"You haven't known me for that long, don't go around acting like you know me." It came out harsher then I intended, and as soon as it came out of my mouth I regretted it. His piercing green eyes looked fragile, almost hurt.

"I want to know you," he almost whispered, looking down. My defensive posture went down, and I intertwined my fingers around his.

"I know Eren," I whispered, trying to ignore the rapid palpitations in my heart from the warmth of his hands on mine. I saw him blush, and I almost couldn't speak. "I'm just really fucked up. I'm not sure if you'll want all the baggage that comes with me." It was quiet after that. We continued to hold hands, even though the moment was awkward. I tried to distract myself with the tv, but my heart wouldn't stop racing.

"At least let me try," I heard Eren say. I looked back up at him, his eyes were set on me in determination and a certain gentleness. I found myself being manipulated again by piercing green eyes I couldn't say no to.

"Okay," I whispered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short, I know. I'm sorry. It's taken me forever to update chapter 5, I'm really sorry. This week has been stressful with school and shit. The most I've been able to do is some editing here and there. Thanks for the patience. Also feel free to vote and comment. Votes and comments are greatly appreciated. Thanks guys. <3
> 
> P.S: Let me know on any mistakes, or if anything was awkward. I'm a poor editor sometimes.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi has a flashback.

The day approached, the day I dreaded the most out of the whole year. October 16th. October, when the air was chilly and tree's leaves crippled into brown nothingness, death. Death, something left not talked about, something that was brought on by life, something that always haunted the back of your mind and faded into your agonizing memories. Timmy, or Timothy Ackerman, someone who was brought into the world shortly, only to die with the leaves on the fateful day of October 16th. 

Tree's, Timmy loved tree's.

Life, Timmy loved life.

I, I loved Timmy.

My bed was warm, but I felt cold and sad. My phone was tucked in some corner of the world, some corner in the world I refused to touch. That was alright, today was a day I let myself creep into my thoughts. Because today was just about Timothy Ackerman and nothing more.

Timothy was bright. He had my dark hair, and my face, and he had Petra's warm brown eyes, smile, and cute little freckles that popped up in the summertime. He loved the world. It lit his soul in his eyes with so much wonder and excitement you couldn't help but smile at him. My stoic expression was soft back then, I guess you could say it was because I was happy. I had Timothy and Petra.

Petra loved the boy, so much it nearly broke her. I remember all the days she spent up locked up in Tim's room after he died. She'd sob on his space themed bed and there was nothing I could do to comfort her. There was nothing much I could do to comfort myself. We both were so defeated we didn't say one word to each other for months. We were both ghosts, living in the same home, wandering but not really living, until one day she was gone. She packed up her things and left. She was all I had, and she abandoned me when I needed her the most. Her faded existence slowly drove me insane. Anxiety crept up on me. Feelings of worthlessness for letting her fade, for letting everything I had fall apart, for not being able to save him, and not being able to hold onto her. 

I began handling my issues with distractions. I went to see a therapist, she prescribed me with pills, and that was that. I couldn't live without the pills, without work, without music, without some form of distraction. And that's how I continue to live. Even now sitting on my bed, me living my life like the world didn't exist. And sure something had changed, my life now had Eren in it. But even so, Eren in some ways was a distraction.

My alarm clock rang, I pushed the button to shut it up. 6:30. A day to live, work to do, distractions to find, Eren to think of. I have all that, but I refuse it all today. I texted my boss. I wasn't coming into work today.

*****

"Daddy! Look! It's space!" exclaimed the dark haired little boy pointing at the night sky above. We were sitting on the balcony of apartment 415. It was the boy's fifth birthday, and instead of him insisting that we go to some arcade, all he wanted to do was look up at the stars. A fire sat in the middle of the balcony. The fire was bright and warm, protecting us from the chilly night air. I sat huddled close to it as I watched Timmy with amusement as he looked up at the night sky pointing at all the stars.

"Someday I want to be an astronaut! I'm going to be the first one on the moon!"

I chuckled. "Tim, you realize somebody has already stepped onto the moon, right?"

"Aww! Really?!"

"You could be the first to step on Mars," I suggested.

"Fine then! I'll be the first astronaut to step on Mars!"

"Will you now?" Said a new voice from the doorway, My beautiful wife stepped outside opening a bag of marshmallows.

"Uh huh," answered the boy with a very enthusiastic nod. I watched as a happy smile plastered itself on Petra's face. She began putting a marshmallow on a metal stick, handing it to Tim.

"Wanna make a smore?" She asked. Timmy squealed in delight and grabbed the stick from her setting it over the fire. 

"Careful not to get to close to the fire," I warned. Tim just nodded. I watched as the fire tried to lick the marshmallow, only to fail because it was out of reach. Petra walked over to me and wrapped her arms around my the back of my neck, her face snuggling into my neck. I closed my eyes and rested my head on top of hers, a pleasant hum vibrating against my lips.

"You're getting the kid hyped up on sugar?" I whispered.

"It's his birthday."

"He already had cake." 

"You're just jealous because you're not getting any."

"Any what?"

"Sugar."

"I have all the sugar I need right here," I said cheesily, giving her a quick peck on the cheek. She laughed at me, coating my face in more kisses.

"I was going to make some tea. Want some?" She asked. 

"You know how much I love tea," I replied. She poked my nose and kissed my cheek in response.

"One tea coming up for Mister Levi," she said giddily before retreating inside. I smiled at her, looking back at Timmy. The night was warm, the sky was bright with stars, smoke subsided into the cool night air, eyes were full of happiness, and hearts full of love. That night I wished to God that this could last forever.

Wishes never come true.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was really fun to write. I pulled this out of my ass and I'm pleased with what I came up with. Comments and Kudos are appreciated! Thanks for reading!


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi and Eren cuddle.

Cancer. He died from cancer. God was so fucked up he gave cancer to a five year old. A five year old who only wanted to see the stars.

I called Eren, I couldn't stand the silence anymore. October 17th. It was morning. A morning creeping towards winter. It took a couple rings until he finally answered. 

"Hey," he said. There were some voices in the background, I could tell he wasn't at home.

"Do you want to come over?" I asked, trying not to sound too dead. I had been sat in my room all day yesterday, wrapped in my own thoughts. I didn't get any sleep, I felt terrible. 

"Sure. I get off of work in about a half an hour. Can you wait until then?"

"Yeah," I replied. My stomach grumbled reminding me I was starving. I hadn't eaten since the day before yesterday. "Could you bring over some food?" 

"Sure. Anything specific you want?"

"No. Just bring over anything."

"Ok. See ya later." The phone hung up with a beep, and I decided I needed to stop being such a lazy piece of shit. Getting up I took a blazing hot shower, scrubbing my skin so raw it turned pink. Normally I would have searched the pit of hell that is my dresser to find something decent to wear for Eren, but today I gave up. I resorted to some comfy basketball shorts, and a gray T-shirt. I smiled a bit as I wore the shirt. I remember it being Petra's favorite. She'd often steal it from me and I'd greet her with a friendly scowl when I saw her wearing it to bed. She'd just giggle at me. I didn't particularly mind that she stole my shirt. In fact, I liked how she looked in it. It was overly big and baggy on her, and there was a sense of pride that she liked it so much. The smile turned into a sad frown. She wasn't here anymore.

The doorbell rang and I walked slowly to the doorway. I opened the door, and sure enough, Eren was there holding a bag of Subway Sandwiches. 

"Levi? You ok? You look like a piece of shit." I didn't say anything snarky back like I usually would have, because in truth I felt like shit. I just quietly let him in, not even bothering with acting "tough" today. I was too tired to put up with my defensive bullshit mechanisms. Too tired to play a role I wasn't. Too tired to pretend that I wasn't hurting inside. Even so Eren would have seen through all those acts and defenses. He did say the other day that for my stoic expression I had a lot of pain in my eyes. 

I watched as he set the bag on the kitchen table. " I didn't know what you liked, and you weren't answering your phone, so I just got you the veggie one. Is that ok?" I nodded in response. I was so tired. 

We sat down and ate. Me barely saying a word, and Eren asking me questions which I answered in either slow nods or shaking of my head for no. 

"Levi? Are you okay?" he finally asked. A lump formed in my throat. I wasn't okay. I was defeated. I just wanted my normal life back, to be normal, to feel normal. But I knew that was impossible and all I had was this. Me sitting lost at the kitchen table, with a boy who I hoped could save me. I knew I was asking for to much. For Eren to save me. I didn't want to drag him down with my crippling anxiety, and depression bullshit. So instead of telling him everything I said,

"Lets just watch a movie or something. That's all I need right now." 

"Ok," Eren said shakily, and softly. He looked at me with so much worry in his eyes it made me sick. We sat on the couch, a movie played on the screen. It was Toy Story. Timmy's favorite movie. I remember he even had a toy Buzz Lightyear he'd run around the house with, yelling loudly "To infinity and beyond!" The memory brought back so much pain and all of a sudden I was crying, and I couldn't stop. Deep wails left my mouth and protruding sobs. Eren looked at me, not saying anything as he wrapped his arms around me, letting me cry into his chest. I let him baby me. He was warm and soothing as he drew little circles on my back with his fingers. He didn't ask me about it, or make me say anything. He just let me lay there, and cling to him, my heart erratic, my eyes puffy and red. My tears soaked into his shirt, he smelled of pine trees and the ocean, and I probably smelled like a mess.

It was a while before the tears stopped flowing, and my breathing became normal. I didn't dare move away from him, and he didn't seem to mind. He played a bit with my hair, and I nuzzled into his chest. We were silent until the movie ended. I shifted away from him, sitting up and looking at his pretty face. His fingers softly grazed my hand. The distance between us on the couch was small. I liked being this close to him.

"Thank you," I finally said.

"For what?"

"Being here." He nodded at me, his hand rising up to cup my cheek. He pulled at a strand of my hair that was in front of my face and tucked it behind my ear.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No," I whispered faintly.

"Okay." We were silent again, and I felt myself leaning into him again. He wrapped his arms around me, and I snuggled into his warmth.

"Do you think you could stay the night?" I asked in a hushed tone. "I don't feel like being alone right now."

"Sure," he replied. We moved to my room, onto my bed. He let me cuddle next to him, spooning me closely. His head buried into the crook of my neck. My head rested on his shoulder, my arms wrapped around him softly. It was so warm we almost didn't need blankets. That night was the best I had slept in a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was kinda cute, and again, was totally improvised. Comment and Kudos if you can. Thanks for all of you who have been supporting this so far. It means a lot. Love ya guys.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi pushes Eren away. Hanji gives advice.

Last night did not happen. I refused to believe it. I didn't call him, I didn't ask him over, I didn't cry, and I definitely did not cuddle next to him. Sleeping with him was one thing, but fucking crying like a baby in front of him was something else. I had let him see me, and I was struggling to figure out if that was a bad or a good thing. It felt nice to finally let myself go like that. To be held like that, to feel not so alone. But then again my emotions were private. They were ugly demons nobody else should have to see. They were a part of me that I wanted all to myself. 

Eren wasn't next to me. The boy I had clung onto left an empty space in my bed. I sighed. This was so typical. It was Saturday. I hadn't been at work since Wednesday. I usually took a couple of days off this time of year. Everybody knew why, it wasn't a secret. 

"Oh. You're awake." I looked up to see Eren by the doorway. He was still here? Maybe not so typical. I nodded, trying not to think about me clinging onto him and wailing like a lost child. I hated myself. I could feel myself sinking into my darkness. I needed to feel numb again.

"I need to take a shit," I said getting up and heading to the bathroom. That was a lie. I needed to take my pills. I closed the door behind me, and filled some water in a tiny paper cup. I had a thing of tiny paper cups in my bathroom. They were useful and I hated running out of them. I pulled out my pills and gulped them down. I stood there, looking at myself through the mirror. Why was I such an ugly, worthless piece of shit? I looked at the circles under my eyes. The aftermath of my insomnia, dreams and anxiety. I flushed the toilet to make it seem like I had actually taken a shit and washed my hands, quickly drying them before walking out the door. Eren was sitting on my bed scrolling through his phone. He perked up me and gave me a small smile.

"Would you like to head out today and maybe grab some breakfast?" he asked.

"No thanks kid," I sighed, going back to my bed and laying down. I looked over at him to see the cutest pout on his face. 

"But it'll be fun! Plus you haven't eaten yet! Besides I know you, and you never have any plans or anything."

"No. Go without me. You can have fun by yourself."

"Meeeaaaaan." I rolled my eyes at him. He was such a child. "Please Levi," he pouted.

"No."

"Pretty please."

"I already said no."

"You can get some bitter ass coffee."

"I can make bitter ass coffee here. Plus I'm more of a tea guy."

"You can get some bitter ass tea."

"No thanks. Why don't you go and get some sweet ass fucking coffee by yourself."

"But I want you to come."

"It's not going to happen Jaeger."

"Please..."

"Stop being such a brat."

"I'm not a brat!"

"You're right. You're a shitty brat. Now can you leave me alone?"

"No!"

"God dammit. Why are you bugging me about this so much?"

"Cuz I wanna hang out with you~!" I gave him a stone cold glare.

"Well I don't want to hang out with you. So it's best if you just leave." He shot me a hurt expression, and I immediately regretted it. I didn't apologize. It was for the best to push him away. I'm a shitty person anyways. His eyebrows furrowed from hurt to anger.

"What the fuck Levi?! You didn't have to be so rude or blunt! I get that I can be annoying, but seriously?!" I huffed looking away. I wasn't in the mood for this bullshit. 

"Yeah, yeah. Just get your stuff and leave."

"So that's It then!? Last night meant nothing!?" I gulped. It stung, but I couldn't do this. I wasn't ready to care about someone. I didn't want to hurt him like I hurt everybody else. I didn't want him to see me. The sooner he left the better.

"Last night meant nothing," I whispered. And just like that I heard stomping footsteps shake the floor, and the sound of a door slam. He was gone. 

*****

It was Monday, and how I had gotten into this rotten cafe, sitting across from a mousy brown haired freak, I didn't know. After Hanji called me a millionth time I finally gave in and answered. They wanted lunch as an apology for ignoring them for so long, so I reluctantly agreed. I kind of felt bad for being such a douche and ignoring them, even though they were kind of (more like really) annoying. Even so, Hanji is my friend after all, and even if I don't act like it, I actually do care about them. I just prefer to be left alone most of the time, and it didn't help much that Hanji was nosy as fuck.

"I'm so glad you're actually having lunch with me Levi bear!!! I missed my favorite clean freak!! We haven't talked since we went to that bar!! And I saw you met someone!!" They said wiggling their eyes mischievously.

"Calm your tits Hanji. It was just a hook up. That's all it was," I said, taking a sip of my warm tea. It wasn't just a hookup. It was everything. For a moment of my life he was everything, and I had to be stupid and ruin everything. He hadn't called once, he hadn't texted. There wasn't one sign that he still wanted to be in my life. I sighed. I don't blame him. Besides, isn't this what I wanted?

"Just a hookup? Your eyes are telling me there's much more to the story Levi. Tell me every detail!" I rolled my eyes at them.

"I rather not Hanji."

"Oh? So I was right! It was more than just a hookup!"

"Shut up four eyes. Drink your coffee."

"I won't shut up until you tell me." I sighed. Why did I hang out with the most childish annoying people. After much pestering, I gave in and told Hanji everything. There was no winning when it came to Hanji. I told them about how I kissed him on the couch, how the next morning he asked for my number, however since then we had just kept talking. I told them about the coffee date, what he had said about my eyes, how cute his laugh was, how he took my breath away. I told them about the other night. How I had invited him over in desperation, how I had cried and clung to him, and what I had said the next morning... How he never was going to come back. They listened the whole time without any interruptions, which I was thankful for. It felt good to get this off my chest.

"I guess it's for the best that he's gone," I added. "We both know I would've just hurt him anyways. The sooner he was gone, the better." It was a couple minutes before Hanji spoke.

"You know what I think? I think you're making excuses."

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

"It means that you're lying to yourself. You say you did this because you didn't want to hurt Eren, but I think it's because YOU didn't want to get hurt. Your family is gone, and you're afraid to let him in because of the pain it left you." I gulped and looked away. "Levi... don't push away something good because you're afraid of the bad. If you keep doing this you'll be miserable your whole life."

"I can't Hanji," I whispered. "I just can't..." 

"Levi... do you regret meeting Petra? Do you regret having Timothy?"

"No..."

"Ok, then don't push away Eren. Fix this. Because in the end you won't regret meeting him either." I nodded. They were right, but I still wasn't ready, and I was still just as frightened. Hanji gave me a soft smile to help comfort me. Hanji knew I hated being touched, so I was grateful that they didn't try to hold my hand or some shit.

"Thanks," I said. "I mean it."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! A longer chapter! I'm sorry it took so long for me to publish. Finals were rough, and this week was emotionally traumatizing so I haven't been able to get any work done. Thanks to those who have been reading, commenting, and kudosing (is that a word?). It means so much, and makes me feel so happy inside to see support on this. Love you all. <3


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi Gets DRUUUUUNKK

The sanctuary of my office didn't do give much comfort to my trembling soul. The kid hadn't called me in a week, and as each day passed I continued to get more and more frightened. Anxiety attacks had been worse lately. I'd pace around my room all night, looking at my phone, contemplating whether to call him or not, jumping at every little ding or ring on my phone. (Which ended up being stupid texts from Hanji, and one reminder that I had to pick up my shirt from the dry cleaners.) I sighed. I kept thinking about the brat and what four eyes told me. Hanji was right. I was making everything about my own problems because I'm a coward, and I needed to wake the fuck up and get over myself already. I tried focusing on the white, blaring, rectangular computer screen in front of me. I tried focusing on the phone calls and the meetings. I tried everything, but at the end of the day I had barely gotten anything done, and my thoughts continued to swirl around Eren.

Friday rolled around slowly. Painfully slow. I still hadn't apologized to Eren yet. I made excuses in my head. It was just because I was busy that I couldn't call him. Once I had a moment to myself I would press the little green button on his contact screen. I knew it was all bullshit. Like I didn't have time to make one measly phone call? There was a knock on my office door and I looked up to see Erwin. The time was 4:58 pm. Work would end in a couple minutes. It was a Friday night. I knew why he was here.

"Hanji and I are going out for drinks? Want to join us?" I knew it.

"No thanks," I said sighing and getting up, grabbing my coat and umbrella. It had started to rain this morning, and had been pouring all day ruthlessly. There was no signs of it stopping and I didn't want to get wet and cold. "I'm to tired for that shit tonight. Maybe next week." I started pulling my black pea coat over my arms. Erwin nodded and left to my surprise. He didn't try to drag me there. I was grateful that he had finally decided to leave me the fuck alone. I sighed. I could really go for a drink though. I walked to the parking lot and got in my car, starting her up. There was a small gas station nearby so I drove there, grabbed two bottles of vodka, and grumbled when someone asked for my I.D. I was fucking 30. I'm sick of this shit. Haven't I lived long enough, and earned the decency and right not to be I fucking D'd?

The drive home was annoying. I kept thinking about Eren. The walk to my apartment was annoying, the noise in my head was annoying. I unlocked the door and sat down on my couch, and drank vodka straight out of the bottle, like the piece of shit I am. I let the familiar burn of alcohol travel down my gullet. I got bored of the silence in my lonely apartment, and put in the Pet Sounds album by The Beach Boys, letting myself get consumed by the little happy tunes. "Wouldn't It Be Nice" played and I let the tragically joyful melody make me feel crippled inside. Oh yes it would be nice to have someone, to grow old with someone, to fucking love someone. Of course it would be nice fucking Brian Wilson. But the world doesn't fucking work like that. It takes every fucking good thing away. Fuck you, and your stupid album, your stupid band, and your stupid song. Fuck you. I took another swig. The bottle halfway gone. Fuck, was I drunk.   
I grabbed my phone and stumbled outside. I needed out of this lonely hole. The world was dark, and I wanted to see the stars, but city lights are an asshole. I walked towards the river clutching my bottle, and occasionally taking a swig. Once I got to Maria Park, I sat down at the edge of the river, my legs dangling off the side. I looked up and laughed. I could see the stupid stars. The stars that could give less of a fuck about everything. Fuck this. I gulped down more vodka and frowned. It was almost empty. I whimpered, Eren was never going to come back. I cried, nobody was going to save me.

The pale moonlight reflected against the water. I could hear the breeze sigh, as if to tell me I was hopeless, which I'd reply with my own sigh, as if to say, I know. I began thinking about Eren again. About his dumb stupid smile, and the way his eyes would crinkle when he laughed, and how gorgeous he was, how breathtaking his eyes were. I tried not to think about him holding me, about him worrying about me, about his cute little remarks, and his determined stubbornness. I tried not to think about how I ruined it all.

My phone sang a little ding, and I looked at the screen. It was a spam email that I ended up deleting. My fingers unconsciously flipped over to my old texts from Eren. I giggled, Eren. I looked at his name on my phone, which was labeled "Shitty Brat." I giggled again. He really was a shitty brat. I pressed the call button before I could process what I was doing, and held it to my ear, gulping down more alcochol as I waited for him to pick up. After several rings I heard it pick up.

"Hello?" I heard a soft tired Eren say through the phone.

"I'm like a star, and you're like the moon."

"Wait, What...?"

"You're big, and beautiful. You take up the whole night sky with how vibrantly you shine. While I'm a stupid star against many, not even close to shining as brightly as you,"

" Levi it's fucking 2 in the morning! What are you blabbering about?! Are you drunk...?!"

"No Eren. I'm not drunk," I slurred, taking another burning gulp of alcohol.

"You're fucking drunk, Levi. Where the crap are you?"

"Maria Park."

"I'm coming over there. Just hang on a minute, Ok?" I heard him sigh and hang up. I layed down on the cement looking up at the stares, and gulping down my vodka. I was tired, it was cold, and Eren was heading over. Fuck, My head hurts.

I heard the crunch of grass beneath shoes. I looked up to see Eren's eyebrows furrowed in a knot, and teeth clenched and seething in anger. He was walking towards me, the moonlight touching his face gently in the night, not even matching the wrath on his adorable face. I chuckled. He was so mad.

"Heeeey Ereeeen." He gave me a glare.

"The fuck Levi?! Get up!"

"Noooo waaaay. I like it here. You should come lay with me Ereeeeen."

"Fuck no."

"Pleeaaase?"

"No Levi."

"But I want to hang out with you."

"Really!?" He growled. There was so much venom in his voice. "So the only time you want to actually hang out with me, and actually show interest in me, is at 2:30 in the fucking morning, deadass drunk!!?"

"No..." I watched him pace around and sigh in defeat.

"Get up. I'm taking you home."

"I don't want to."

"Well I came over here, at two in the shitting morning, to take you home! Now get up!" I sighed and grumbled, getting up slowly and groggily. I took another swig. The world was spinning, and my head was pounding horribly. Eren forcefully grabbed the bottle from my fingers and threw it in the river. I heard the splash penetrate my ears, and I looked at the bottle float, glistening in the dark, glumly. Eren grabbed me by my hand, dragging me through the city. His grip was tight, and soon we were back at my apartment. 

"Where are your keys?" He asked as we stood at my apartment door.

"I'm sorry Eren... I'm sorry I'm such a shitty person," I slurred. "I'm sorry I pushed you away, and I'm sorry for being so fucked up..."

"I don't need an apology. I need your keys,' he sighed. I fumbled for my keys, and handed them to him. He unlocked the door and pulled me into the living area.

"I'm sorry," I mumbled again.

"Levi! I don't need a half assed apology, ok?! I'm sick of half assed apologies! My whole life has been filled with half assed apologies! Just shut it! If you were truly sorry you would've apologized days ago! You would've apologized when you were actually fucking sober!"

"But I mean it Ereeeeen."

"Shut up! Just shut up! I swear to god you drive me fucking insane!" He sighed again, gaining his composure, before looking at me with frustrated eyes. "Let's get you to bed." He ended up taking me to my room and setting me on the bed. He helped me take of my shirt and jeans, leaving me in my boxers, so I could sleep comfortably. He was gentle and sweet, even though he was pissed at me. He tucked me in like I was five year old again, and left before I knew it. This boy was so stupidly kind even though he hated my guts, which only made me feel more like a shitty person. I drifted off to sleep, waking up in the morning to the worst fucking hangover I've ever had in my life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks ya'll for all the support. Comment and kudos. Love you guys!! <3 <3 <3


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi and Hanji being cute beans

The next day was shitty as fuck. I couldn't stop trying to remember what had happened last night, and replaying the things in my head that I did remember. I remembered going to the gas station, I remembered listening to music in my apartment, I remembered the park, I remembered calling Eren, I remembered Eren at the park? The only trouble is I don't remember what I said or did. The last thing I remember, was him standing there, and then me being tucked into my warm covers. The spaces between there were all blurry and fogged up. The more I thought about it the more my head hurt. And son of a bitch did my head hurt. It felt like someone blasting a trumpet in my ear, or a door a titan was trying to slam down. I felt a weird clamping in my stomach, and a suffocating feeling in my throat. I immediately knew what it was and ran to the bathroom as fast as I could. I kneeled by the toilet and felt the boiling acid threatening to burn my taste buds. I heaved and it all landed in the toilet. A couple minutes passed, and I took in deep breaths trying to recover. I always felt traumatized after I puked. It felt mind scarring, and violating every time. 

I headed to the kitchen. The time was 10:43 AM. I had slept in. I was usually up by 8 at the most on weekends. Not that I was suprised, since last night was a shitfaced nightmare. 

I decided to skip breakfast. I wasn't all that hungry, and my head was pounding miserably. I took an Ibuprofen and drank some water to attempt to get rid of my misery. I layed on the couch, zoning out, and pretended like nothing mattered, because nothing did. I had no purpose of being on this foul planet, except to be a nuisance to everybody, and use up more garbage to trash the Earth with. I sat there for a while, eventually falling asleep again. When I woke up, my headache had faded enough for me to think clearly, and I finally let myself take in what had happened last night... 

Shit, I probably should apologize to Eren. I had no clue what I said or did. I could've said something stupid, or something hurtful. Plus he had to drag my sorry ass home, and I called him at some shitty time in the night, that nobody should be awake at. Thank god he doesn't have work today. That would have been extra shitty of me, and it was already shitty in the first place. How should I apologize? Should I call? No, that's stupid. He probably wouldn't answer. I needed advice. I was such an awkward person. So clueless when it came to being social or apologizing. This is why I didn't go on dates, or go to bars, or wander around town to new places. I stuck to where I was comfortable. My apartment, Cafe Rose, Smiths, Walgreens, and my office. A total of five different, convenient places. Petra was different though. She wanted to go everywhere, travel the world, see things. So I let her drag me around. I didn't particularly mind though, as long as I was with her. I sighed, looking at my phone and searching through my contacts, finding the one labeled "Four Eyes." It was either this, or never apologizing, because I'm a worthless, shitty, fucking person. I called Hanji, who, (oddly), picked up on the second ring.

"LEVI CALLING ME?!!! GOD MUST BE FEELING GENEROUS TODAY!! THIS IS A FLIPPING MIRACLE!!!!" The phone screeched. I flinched in response. Why did Hanji have to be the loudest person on the fucking planet? I sighed and decided to speak.

"Hanji, calm the fuck down and help me."

And asking for help?!!! Wow!! Two miracles in one day!!" I sighed at them. 

"Nevermind. I'll just call Erwin," I huffed about to hang up.

"No! Wait! I'm sorry! I just was really happy that you finally reached out to me for once. What do you need?" I gulped, all of a sudden feeling guilty. I couldn't just ask for help after how shitty I had been treating them lately.

"You want to head over? Come hang out?" I asked. "We can eat shitty chinese takeout, and watch stupid sitcoms like we used to." I offered. The other end was silent for a moment, and for a second I got concerned over Hanji's well being. "Hanji? You there?" 

"Y-yeah. Sorry. I'm just suprised," Hanji said, their voice cracking a bit. They almost sounded like they were going to cry. Shame crept through my body.

"Well hurry up and make up your mind shitty glasses. I don't have all day," I said more light hearted than anything, earning a little chuckle from Hanji.

"Ok. I'll be right over. I can grab the shitty chinese on the way. See you in a bit pipsqueak!!!" Hanji said happily, hanging up with a loud beep. I rolled my eyes at the nick name. Hanji really needed to stop rubbing it in that I was short.

A half an hour later a loud chime rang throughout the house. It was no doubt, Hanji. I opened the door and greeted them inside.

"Levi bear!!!" They cried, wrapping their arms around me tightly, while simultaneously holding a bag of foul smelling chinese food.

"Oi! Get off of me! You're going to spill noodle juice all over me!!" Hanji laughed and set the bag on the table.

"Ok! So I grabbed chow mein, wontons, spring rolls, and your favorite, sweet and sour chickeeen!!!" I smirked a bit at them, amused.

"Surprised you remembered."

"Me too! It's been soooooo long since we've done this." 

"Well I have netflix set up, and we can eat on the couch. But I swear to god if you spill one tiny thing you're dead."

Hanji laughed. "Such a cleanfreak." I rolled my eyes, and plopped onto the couch, and snuggling into a blanket. Hanji plopped right up next to me, and handed me the box of sweet and sour chicken, as well as some chopsticks. I ate happily. I hadn't had sweet and sour chicken in so long. Me and Hanji shared the blanket, which was normal for us. Halfway through the sitcoms, we finished our chinese food, and ended up just making jokes about how stupid the show we were watching was. We made fun of the characters, and made impressions. I made a few shit jokes. Hanji laughed. I forgot how fun Hanji could be. I had also forgotten how well they knew and got me. They got my sick humor, and jokes. Guilt crept through my spine again, and then I remembered Eren. Eren seemed to get it, get me, then I pushed him away, made him feel like he was nothing, like he was shit. I really missed the kid and his bright laughter. Hanji must've sensed that there was something wrong because they paused the sitcom.

"Something the matter?" I had forgotten, Hanji always knew when I was upset. And I always knew when they were upset. We had been there for each other since high school. How could I have forgotten? How had I pushed it all away, lost sight of what really mattered? How could I have pushed away Eren? Why the fuck did I have to go get all wasted and screw it up possibly even more? Hanji gasped and I looked up at them. "I know what this is about!! You haven't apologized to Eren yet, have you!!!??" I looked at them, before bowing my head down in shame. "Levi!!! The more you put it off the worse it's going to get!!!!!!"

"It's already gotten worse," I groaned.

"Levi!! What did you do!!? Spill the beans!" 

"I may have gotten wasted. I'm not sure what I did, but it was something."

"Shit! Seriously!?"

"Seriously," I replied, telling them everything I could remember. I was suprised on how well Hanji listened, since it was usually impossible to get them to shut up. "And now I don't know how to apologize. I'm way to awkward, and absolutely mortified that he saw me shitfaced and acting like you on steroids."

"Pfft! I'm always acting like I'm on steroids." 

"I know. You can't keep your trap shut."

"Yeah, yeah..." Hanji paused for a moment, most likely thinking. "Well what if you just get him a gift and apologize at his doorstep? If you explain the real reason why you pushed him away I bet he'll be understanding."

"No way am I shitting out my feelings like a giant turd on his doorstep."

"Then I guess be miserable the rest of your life?" 

"What a help you are," I huffed.

"Oh shuddup shorty. Apologizing is the only way to get out of this, and you know that." I sighed. Hanji was right. "Now tell me; what does he like?"

"He likes shitty romcoms and has a weird thing for kettle corn."

"Bingo! Get him a basket of goodies, show up at his doorstep, and burst your heart open!!" They exclaimed getting up and heading to the door.

"Where are you going?"

"Isn't obvious! To help you with your mid life crisis! Get off the couch and lets go!" I sighed and got off the couch, chuckling a bit. This was going to be a long, crazy night.

*****

"He'd like this movie!" Hanji exclaimed, pulling out a DVD of Meet the Parents. 

"He already owns that one. I swear to god he's seen it like five million times. He quotes it like its a sacred piece of jedi text or some shit." Hanji laughed and pulled out another movie.

"We know this one is your favorite," they said, waving a copy of Old Yeller in my face. 

"Oh shuddup."

"You even cried little baby tears! Who knew Levi could cry-!" I shoved a shit emoji pillow in their face, before they could say anymore. They laughed, their voice muffled by the brown, smiley blob. Hanji grabbed it and pulled it away from their face, grinning. "You could get him this movie?" They suggested, showing me a copy of The Big Sick. "It's a really good movie, and he probably doesn't own it if he just has romcoms from the 1990's to early 2000's.

"Fine. But we're also getting this," I said grabbing Wedding Singer and putting it in our cart. We currently were at Kmart. The store was tiny and convenient, and I guess I kind of liked it. I prefered Walgreens, and Smiths though. Hanji put the emoji pillow in our cart and we walked through the music aisle. I stopped walking and Hanji looked at me curiously as I grabbed a Joni Mitchell CD.

"What's that for?"

"Just wondering if Eren likes Joni Mitchell," I said putting it in the cart.

"I don't even know who that is. Your nerd music I swear," they said rolling their eyes. I shrugged. Better to listen to so called 'nerd music' then listen to some bimbo who only cares about the next hit, and how shiny his stupid hair is. We get to the check out station, making sure we had grabbed a basket and some kettle corn beforehand. I payed for the stuff, and soon we were on our way out to the parking lot. I looked up to see no stars. Sometimes I wondered what it would be like to be able to see the stars every night. Like out in the countryside, where there wasn't so many lights. A place where the air wasn't so stuffy, and people weren't so annoying and everywhere. We loaded the shit into the trunk, and got into Hanji's stupid beat up vehicle. I wrinkled my nose in disgust. It looked like Hanji hadn't cleaned their car in weeks. Polar pop, and starbucks cups were littered everywhere. Some cups had chewed up gum on top of the lids, and rolled up Mcdonalds egg mcmuffin wrappers were scattered across the floor. 

"So all of a sudden I'm gone for a month, and you let your car go to shit?"

"Yup!" Hanji laughed. "We can't all be clean freaks like you!"

"Even a none clean freak would freak about this. This is past saving." Hanji chuckled and started the car.

"Don't kill us with your bad driving skills," I remarked. Hanji rolled their eyes.

"I got us here just fine Levi. Now shut up and think about what you're going to say to Eren." I sighed, oh yeah... that. I looked out the window as the car backed out of the parking lot, and drove forward. I watched as the road blurred past me into different colors and shapes. I thought about Eren the whole time Hanji drove me home.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi finally confronts Eren my bois.

I tapped the gray steering wheel in my car nervously. It was only 5:00, but the sun was setting over the winter clouds, and fading into the city night. It was undoubtedly cold outside. Maybe I should just back out of this parking space and leave. Go home with a hot cup of tea, snuggled like a burrito in the warmth of my covers. But I knew what I had to do. I was just making excuses that didn't matter. 

I grabbed the brown woven basket of shit movies, and diabetes induced candy. I got out of my car nervously, and slammed the door. I could do this. It's just a simple apology, nothing more. I took in a couple deep breathes, and walked over into the apartment complex. The hallways were brightly lit, with fake white lights. One was blinking rapidly, obviously broken and needed replacement. Jesus, was the demogorgon here to visit or some shit? 

I got to his apartment door and was about to knock. My fist was halfway in the air before I just stopped. My heart was beating quickly, everything I was going to say suddenly disappeared into thin air. Like whispery white dandelion seeds being wisped away into the blue sky, until finally they were gone. I couldn't do this. I started to panic. I wasn't good at this kind of stuff, besides it wasn't the end of the world if we didn't talk anymore right? He wasn't essential to my existence. He wasn't someone I couldn't live without. Hanjis words rang in my mind, 'Then I guess be miserable the rest of your life.' I sighed. Hanji, that annoying fucker. I knocked on the door, and felt my heart rate pound against my head, my stomach shaking in pure anxious agony. I heard footsteps thumping on the other side, and I mentally prepared myself for the next moments of awkward. Eren opened the door with a twist of a door knob, and I looked into an ocean of green. I gulped, more nervous than ever, freezing up on the spot.

"Levi?" Eren said in more of a whisper than anything, looking shocked. "What are you doing here?"

"Uh..." I held up the basket, suddenly remembering what it was, and why I was here. "I came to bring you this... and apologize to you and whatever." Eren raised his eyebrow reluctantly taking the basket.

"That's one hell of an apology," Eren said sarcastically, a little snarl of annoyance laced in his voice. Shit. I was already fucking this up. The anxiety in my chest piled up, and I felt like I was going to burst, and then he was going to see everything. I tried my best to keep the heavy breathing compacted in my chest, to not pace around, to not cry right then and there.

"Just hear me out, ok?" I said a little shakily, hoping he wasn't able to sense how nervous I was, or how close I was to breaking. "I'm sorry that I pushed you away, I've been meaning to apologize for days now, but haven't been able to. I'm not making excuses or anything, but I just suck at this kind of shit. I just have so many walls and barriers around me that I don't let people see, so when someone ends up seeing me, just even a little bit, I get defensive and push them away. But I've realized that if I keep doing that I'm never going to be happy, and I'm going to lose the people that make me happy." I took in a deep breath, "And even though you can be a little shit, you make me happy, and I don't want to lose you." The world seemed to standstill as I waited for him to say something, anything. Eren stared at me blankly for a couple minutes, before smiling a little.

"I'll forgive you on one condition," he said. I raised my eyebrow at him in curiousness. "If you agree to take me out on a date."

"Okay," I agreed.

"Ok, than I forgive you," Eren said with that bright, happy grin I missed so much, spreading across his features. I gave Eren a small smile. A smile that didn't even match to how happy or how relieved I was feeling. "Do you wanna come in?" Eren asked holding the door open, oh so graciously. I nodded and walked in, noticing first how much dust coated the apartment. I didn't complain. Not after seeing how much shit littered Hanji's car yesterday. I heard Eren gasp, and I looked over. "How did you know that I love Joni Mitchell!" he exclaimed, pulling the CD out of the basket.

"I didn't," I answered. "I just grabbed it. She's my favorite."

"You and my mom would like each other. She loves Joni Mitchell. We'd listen to her all the time when I was a kid." I nodded at him, trying not to think about how I didn't have a Mom anymore. Eren was lucky. 

"I like more of her early stuff, than I do her later stuff. The album I gave you, Blue, is my favorite one," I said. He hummed in response, walking over to his stereo, that was on the wooden old bookshelf in the corner of the room. I watched as he put the disc in and pressed play. The old stereo making a little click noise. The first song "All I Want" played and I let the music take me away into a happy, soothing mood.

"Do you want tea?" Eren asked heading over to the kitchen.

"Sure," I said sitting on the couch. It was a couple minutes before I heard the tea kettle whistle, and Eren came out handing me a hot, white mug of some sort of herbal concoction. I thanked him and blew on the tea before taking a sip. "What kind of tea is this?" I asked.

"Chamomile. It's my favorite blend," he said taking a sip, and plopping down next to me. "But we both know I'm more of a coffee guy."

"You don't drink coffee. You drink liquid sugar shit."

"I like my coffee sweet, so what?"

"It's one thing to have your coffee sweet, it's another when your coffee is basically a milkshake."

"Shuddap Levi. You just don't appreciate the joy of sugar." 

"You apparently don't appreciate coffee." Eren rolled his eyes at me and took another sip of his tea.

"Whatever," he grumbled. I chuckled at him, and he sent a smile my direction. Before I knew it My Old Man ended and Little Green started to play. I finished my tea and set it down on Eren's crappy coffee table. Eren leaned his head on my shoulder and curled up next to me. My heart felt like it was about to pass out, my breathing felt suffocating. He intertwined my fingers in his and I did my best to keep my cool and not hyperventilate, or look like I was going to have a fucking heart attack, because at this moment it sure felt like I was. 

I must've not been paying attention to the music, because soon California played and Eren began singing along to the words. I felt a little disappointed that I had missed Blue playing, but none the less I began singing along as well, trying to distract myself from the warmth of Eren's skin on mine, the gentle touches of him playing with my fingertips sending shivers up my spine, my erratic heartbeat, and the fact that Eren smelled like pine trees, and a warm sunny afternoon. Eren smelled like California. I had never been there, but if I could guess what California smelled like, it would smell like Eren. 

This Flight Tonight played, then River, and before we knew it the whole album had ended. We sat there in a comfortable silence, just enjoying each others company. I liked that we could sit together in complete silence and not talk. It didn't feel awkward or weird, it was just us, having a good time without needing bullshit flying out of our mouth. I played with his surprisingly soft, messy brown hair, and zoned out into my own thoughts. Which this time seemed to be a little more happy and hopeful.

I ended up staying the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is probably the crappiest chapter I've written. Sorry guys


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another fight maybe? Or a kiss?

The next morning was bliss. We had made our way over to his bed, after talking and sipping our teas. Listening to Joni Mitchel and resting our heads on each other. It was homey, nostalgic and beautiful, every bit of it. 

The morning came sooner then I wanted. Which was usual, accept this time it wasn't from dread and misery, it was from wanting to soak every minute of happiness Eren had given me. He was still sleeping, the poor dork. It was almost noon. I guess he wasn't a morning person, then again we had stayed up late last night, and I wasn't much of a morning person either.

Currently he was breathing softly as he slept. I would've thought he was a snorer, but he surprisingly was a cute sleeper. 

He had massive bed head this morning, but his hair always looked like a giant nest of bed head anyways. Messy, but always cute. When was Eren not cute? And the answer in my head answered never as I looked at his cute face, a little drool trailing from his open mouth down to his pillow. His messy hair framing his cheeks in the most  perfect way, and his beautiful eyelids shut closed. He looked so cute and innocent. I couldn't help but keep watching him.  I wasn't sure if Eren was turning me into a creep, or if I was just a psychopath, but I knew one thing, I was overly obsessed with Eren. 

I smiled as Eren stirred in his sleep and opened his eyelids, blinking tiredly. 

"Afternoon," I joked, looking at Eren lovingly.

"Afternoon? Isn't it morning?" He groaned, smiling sleepily. I almost laughed at how adorable he was.

"Nope, you slept till noon dork."

"Well, that's normal for me on a weekend," he said. Maybe I was a morning person. I never slept till noon. Well, not every weekend.

"Mm, really?" I asked, tucking a strand of hair behind Eren's ear.

"Yeah, really," he said, smiling tiredly.

"You look like a dork in the morning," I chuckled. 

"That's a little mean."

"In a cute way though." Eren hummed in response and I rested my head on his shoulder, his hand combing through my raven hair, his fingers tangling with my locks, time being frozen. Us. sticky from sleep, tired from life, but enjoying something that makes life worth it. But what was that something? Eren and I had never had the conversation about exactly what we were, how we felt about each other romantically, what are future would be. Sometimes I doubted if he even saw me that way. Yeah, we slept with each other, but that was the first night we met. He wanted a hook up, and I was drunk. But why he stayed around, I had no clue. I know I needed to ask him, I needed a label, a name for all of this I was feeling. But I didn't have one, and I was afraid to ask. I was to afraid to be wrong. Afraid that perhaps he didn't feel as crazy about me as I felt about him. So of course, I did what I do best, avoided the whole conversation.   
"You getting hungry?" He asked. I nodded, even though I wasn't actually hungry. More of I needed to stop drifting into my own thoughts, and getting up and eating breakfast was the perfect excuse to do so. We got up and headed the kitchen. The clanging of pans being pulled out of wooden cabinets ringing around the room. I watched as he turned on the stove and sprayed the pan with pam.   
"So were you always an editor?" He asked, I looked about him about to answer when my phone rang. I looked at the screen, it was a client. Really? On a Saturday? I sighed and looked at Eren.   
"Sorry, one sec, I've got to take this," I said, answering the phone. Eren nodded, I said a hello. Eren continued to cook as I talked.  
"Yes I did get the email... I will read it first thing Monday... I still have to meet with the publishers... yeah...uh huh...yeah, I can pick it up. Are you available tomorrow?...yeah...I'll be there around five to pick it up...yeah have fun on your trip...uh huh...goodbye," I sighed hanging up. "Fucking people calling on the weekend. Now I have to pick up a stupid chapter tomorrow."

"Oof. Remind me not to call you on the weekend then."

"You're the exception."

"Well good to know I'm on Levi's VIP list."

"You're the only one on my VIP list. You and Hanji, but don't tell them that."

"Hanji?"

"Yeah, they've been my best friend since high school." 

"I thought I was your best friend," Eren pouted as he whipped up some eggs in a bowl. 

"On the contrary, we're opposite of best friends."

"So enemies?" He teased, looking at me with a smirk.

"No..." I grumbled.

"Frenemies?"

"No..."

"So lovers then?" He asked, winking at me with that stupid smirk of his. 

"You are a dumb ass," I grumbled, walking over and looking over at Eren's sorry attempt to cook eggs. "How the fuck do you not know how to cook eggs?"

"Levi, I'm cooking the eggs just fine."

"Really. They look dried out and over cooked."

"Yeah, yeah. Be a critic like usual," Eren sighed putting the eggs on a plate and handing them to me. "Plus I have a feeling you said that just to avoid what I said earlier."

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Yeah you do. You're avoiding the whole lovers conversation," he said scooping more eggs onto another plate.

"Or maybe it's all in your head."

"I don't think it is. You always seem distant, and I don't think it's a coincidence. I think something happened and that's why we've known each other for months and you always push me away, never talk about yourself in detail, and change topics you don't like talking about. Whether its about your family, or previous lovers, or your childhood, or even about what we are."

"You're making false observations Eren. You know what I think? I think you're making these "observations" because you want to believe we're more then we are. That I feel something more towards you then just friendship," I said regrettably. It was a low blow on my part. What I felt for Eren was more then just friendship. I looked at him, his expression knitting into something else. The same expression he had when I pushed him away. The grit of anger, the flash of hurt. I had fucked up again. 

"Oh, so all of these past months of cuddling, and holding hands has just been just a friendship thing?!" He growled. "Those little moments we had meant nothing!? Have you just been playing with me the whole time!? Am I just some sort of tool to you!?" He yelled, looking at me with mad eyes. He was going crazy, losing it. And all I knew it was my fault for making him lose it. I had fucked this up. I had to say something.

"Eren..."

"Don't fucking talk! Friends don't hold hands! Friends don't cuddle! Friends don't sleep with each other on the first night they met!"

I had to do something, but he wasn't letting me say anything. "Eren..."

"I never have once thought of you as a friend Levi! And I thought you felt the same!" He was pacing, seething with anger. "But apparently that was cra-" I had to fix this, so I did. I grabbed his collar, stopping him mid sentence, and kissed him right there and then. His lips were frozen against mine, but then they slowly softened like butter. His lips meshing against mine. Clashing like waves on a beach. Our breaths hot and baked as we breathed into each other. Like we had been craving this for so long. Then I felt nothing as we pulled apart. Him looking at me as if he drowned and never came back. Forever unbreathing, forever unchanged, but everything different at the same time. But then he left the room, leaving me empty, rejected, and confused.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, it’s been TWO MONTHS. I’m super sorry. Had a bad case of writers block. Truthfully I had this chapter written three months ago, but I HATED it with a passion. But I’ve been making you guys wait forever, so I edited shit and now here it is. I’ll try writing chapter 13 soon, but I’m not honestly sure what to do next chapter. Comment your ideas down below. Also love all the support and everything you guys have given me. You’re all wonderful. Make sure to vote and comment. Thank you, love you, and see ya soon. (hopefully.)


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi has to fix all his bullshit he started again. Jeez, why do I keep making him a loser?

I knew I shouldn't have been such an ass, but every time I tried not to be I ended up being one anyway. I was confused, when he had left me standing here after I had fucked everything over but I had no right to be. I'm the one who confused him. I had sent him mixed signals, I made his mind run wild with raving possibilities, with what we could be. I mad him go crazy with "accidental" touches, brushing's of hands and finger tips, cuddling and holding him, my hands combing through his velvety soft hair, our heartbeats speeding, smiling, opening up, crying, laughter.... Until I rejected him in a pitiful way to protect myself. I screwed everything up. And I know exactly when I'm screwing things up. I know the exact moment. I scream in my head, pleading myself to stop, but my mind is a pitiless monster and it takes over with unwanted actions and unnecessary comments. No matter how loud I scream at myself I can't control myself. It's like it's in my nature to be a piece of shit. I sighed, I needed to get out of my own head. I needed to fix this, yet once again. I didn't know where he ran off to, but I didn't hear the front door slam so I knew he must be in this shitty apartment somewhere. I looked around for a moment, trying to find a clue on where Eren might be. His door room was shut. It was open when we walked out. I walked to the white, pale door and knocked.

"Eren?" I called out. There was no answer but I did hear a little shuffle and a sob. I made him cry. I must be the worst person in the universe. I sighed as I twisted the silver doorknob. He hadn't locked it that dumb shit. If I was trying to get away from someone I would have locked the door. I walked in quietly and he was nowhere to be seen. Not on the bed, or sitting at his desk, nowhere. I checked the built in bathroom and he wasn't there either. I sighed, maybe I was wrong, maybe I was just seeing and hearing things. I heard a little shuffle and walked out back into the bedroom. Or maybe I wasn't. Maybe the little shit was just hiding. I swear he was such a child. I looked behind the curtains, and then underneath the bed, he wasn't in any of those places either. I heard a sniffle. It was coming from ahead of me. I looked up to only find myself looking straight at the closet. I heard a squeak of fear and then a clap of a hand. He knew he had been discovered. I walked over and looked between the cracks of the door. He was in there, his hand clapped over his mouth to suppress sound, his eyes full of tears and the fear of me being  so close. He wanted me to leave. He wanted to cry alone.  "Oh Eren," I said softly as I sympathized, saying it more to myself then him. 

I pulled on the door knob to open the door only to feel a sharp force pulling back. 

"Eren, let me open the door," I sighed.

"N-no!" he sobbed out as he pulled on the door more harshly. 

"Eren please-"

"No! So what!? So I can be used by you again!? Taken advantage of!? I-I already know how you really f-feel so just leave me alone...” 

“Eren… I’m sorry okay…I didn’t mean any of it…could you please open the door?”

“No…” he sobbed brokenly. I tried opening the door again to find that his grip had softened. I slowly peeled back the door.

He was a mess. Tears were streaming down his cheeks and his eyes held so much hurt and pain in them it almost crippled me. I reached out and gently held his cheek in my hand, not being very surprised when he flinched away from my touch.

“Eren?” I said calmly as I approached him. “Look at me.” He only let out a small whimper and ignored my directions. I couldn’t blame him though. I wouldn’t want to listen to me either. So instead a I cupped his chin and made him look at me, finding it difficult because he was so devishly tall, but then I was looking into his eyes and he was looking in my mine. They were so brilliantly green it made me breathless. They were like the ocean. Not in the color but in the determination. You could tell by looking into his eyes that not only was he kind but he held some sort of spirit. He was one of those to stand up for everything he believed in, not caring what others thought, and that was something I loved about the brat.

His gaze melted as he looked at me, but I could also sense that he was confused, and not to lie, I was to. I didn’t know what I was doing. All I knew was that I had to fix this, that I had to be with this insufferable little shit that I didn’t know how to get rid of. He was always there even when he wasn’t tangibly with me.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I want to be with you, I want to hold you, kiss you, and learn to love you. I’ve wanted it for so long. I know what I said back there was shitty. I know, and I’m so sorry. Please forgive me…”

“N-no…” he sobbed as he shook his head.

“Eren... I’ll do anything…What do I have to do to fix this?”

“I-I want you to tell me why you’re so closed off, and why you keep pushing me away…” he whispered. “I can’t do this off on thing anymore...” I hesitated. I didn’t know if I wanted to tell him, but I knew he deserved to know the truth. I knew that I couldn’t just keep fucking him over, that I needed to tell him everything. That I needed to prove that I wanted him. So with a last shaky breath I said,

“Okay. I’ll tell you everything.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bois it's been so long. I am so so sorry. I have had college and shit so I've been busy. Also writers block is the worst right? Any who, I'm not going to be that author that promises that I'll update more only to not update more, so I'll just say that maybe there will be more updates. My writers block is gone but I'm still a lazy person. We'll see. Anyways Thank you guys for reading this shitty half thrown together chapter of mine. You guys are amazing. Peace out.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi shows Eren his past

The next thing I knew is that I had managed to drag him to my nice, much more clean of an apartment and sat him down on the couch with a blanket and a cup of hot tea in his hands. It was getting much to cold this season and his nose was cherry red from the outdoors. I excused myself before coming back with a photo album, one I hadn’t looked at in years. Reluctantly I handed him the book, filled with dusty pages and too heavy to hold with one hand.  
The album had a happy bright color of blue. A happy color of once happy days. It had been five years since I had looked through these pages. Five years since I had been happy until this infuriating brat walked into my life.  
I sat down next to him, feeling the soft plush of the couch press against my back, and Eren’s warmth on my skin although we weren’t touching. I watched as he stared at the album, almost looking puzzled as what to do. I watched as his gentle fingers traced against the lines of the cover. His green eyes curious but shallow.  
“Open it,” I said. I watched him for a moment as Eren carefully opened the cover. The first picture, a smiling Petra holding a young boys hand. And me, my arms wrapped around her tenderly, a once so content, so peaceful smile on my face.   
“I’ve never seen your eyes so happy before,” he commented as his fingers traced over the photo. “Was this your family?”  
“Yeah. The girl was my wife. Her name is Petra… And that boy down below is my son, Timothy.”  
“Where are they now?” He asked softly as he looked at me. I felt my eyes brim up with tears and my throat clamp up with tight uncomfortableness. Emotions spinning my head so violent for a second I couldn’t process the question, for a second I couldn’t see.  
“Gone,” I whispered.   
“Did they leave?”  
“They both did in their own way. Timothy died…and Petra left when the sorrow took her. I don’t think she could stay anymore. To haunted with memories of this apartment that once was his home, to haunted by me.”   
Eren was silent for a moment and I looked away. I couldn’t watch as I heard him flip a page. I didn’t want to see what sort of picture, with some sort of a memory laid there.   
“You’re scared that I’m going to leave too, aren’t you?”  
“Yeah…” was all I could whisper out. My voice soft but breaking, and then I felt his arms wrap around me and he pulled me into a warm embrace. I closed my eyes, I let my silent tears fall, and I let myself melt into his warmth.   
“ I won’t leave, I promise.”  
“You don’t know that.”  
“Yes I do.”  
“You’re a kid.”  
“That doesn’t mean anything.”  
“It means you don’t know as much. The world is fucked up and it takes what it wants. How do I know if one day you’ll get hit by a car, or murdered, or diagnosed with cancer? How do you know those things won’t happen?” Eren was silent for a moment before he surprised me by planting a kiss on the crown of my head.  
“Well when I do leave, don’t you think it would have been worth it?” he asked as he held me there. His voice like silk and honey.   
“You mean worth the pain?”  
“Yeah. Worth all the memories, and all the laughs?”  
“I don’t know.”  
“Do you regret not meeting Petra? Not having Timothy?”  
“No.”  
“Then it’ll be worth it?”  
“I guess so kid.”  
“So if it’s worth it, you have no excuse to push me away anymore.”  
“I guess not,” I hummed as I enjoyed how he rocked me back and forth, how I was laying in his lap, and how every once in a while he’d make a move to stroke my hair.   
“Hey Levi?”  
“Hmm?”  
“I promise to stay here as long as I possibly can.”  
“In this room or in this life kid?”  
“In this life.”  
“Okay then. Me too. You better not leave me for a long time you lil’ shit,” I teased, causing him to giggle childishly, but cutely.   
“Fine. But I think you’ll probably be dead before I die old man.”  
“I’m only thirty two.”  
“Yeah, yeah,” I chuckled as I looked up into his beautiful green eyes. I raised my hand up to cup his chin and planted a kiss on his cheek. “Hey Eren?”  
“Hmm?” he asked as he looked at me so softly it caused my heart to melt.  
“When you leave, promise to wait for me okay?”  
“Okay. Wait for me too?”  
“Always.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Turns out I actually updated. Yay! 
> 
> This thing is a piece of shit though. Forgive me. Once I have all the chapters out it's going to be editing mania, as well as creating original characters so I can get this shit published maybe. 
> 
> Also, I'm sorry this is so short. It's 500 words less then what I usually write, and what I write is usually short as fuck too.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get steamy?

The next hours with the brat weren't so bad. We put away the old memories and we focused on us. 

I learned many things, like that Eren liked to paint. That his favorite color was green because it reminded him of his small hometown filled with bright colors and trees. I learned he wasn't happy in the city. I learned that once a month he'd travel back home just to visit his mother who was buried underneath a beautiful oak tree. 

I learned he had a sister. She had been adopted by Eren's Mom after her parents were killed in a car crash. I learned that his Dad was an asshole who was never around. Eren said he never once saw his Mom cry about it though. 

I learned that when his Mom died he was taken in by his Dad. He had Mikasa (his sister) for a year before she left for college. I learned that Eren had been alone his whole childhood. His Dad leaving for many months for work, and coming back drunk. Eren only finding one friend in high school but still having to pick up after his dad's mess and spend many nights alone. 

I learned that he was even more lonely now. He left his friend behind, everything he ever knew, to perceive a dream to become a painter,in a foreign city, with strange people. I could only imagine how many nights alone he suffered without the comfort of home. How may people pushed past him in crowded streets, giving him no mind. I could sympathize. I didn't have anyone to come home to anymore. This apartment was empty. I had a wife who left and a child who was gone, just like his Mother was gone and how his father left him all alone. But as a kid, it was most likely ten times worse my situation. 

An hour of talking came to an hour of dancing, and soon Eren was playing some shitty music from my Bluetooth speaker. 

"I..." he sang as I recognized Mariah Carey's All I want for Christmas song hummed through the air. 

"Eren no," I groaned and I watched as a mischievous smirk spread on his cocky little cute face. 

"Don't want a lot for Christmas! There is just one thing I need!" he sang loudly as he walked over to me and took my hands in his. "I don't care about the presents, underneath the Christmas tree!"

"Eren stop before I murder your ass," I muttered playfully. This only motivated Eren more to my disbelief. 

"I just want you for my own! More then you could ever know! Make my wish come true! All I want for Christmas is you!" He sang before laughing at the glare I shot him. "Oh come on! Quit being a Grinch and dance with me!" he giggled almost too adorably. I sighed and gave up, letting him drag me into the middle of the dance floor. We danced for a while, mainly him dragging me and I dancing unenthusiastically. Before I knew it, White Christmas played and I had been pulled into his arms, my head resting on his chest. 

It was a moment of us softly swaying, of my heart doing weird flips and turns. It wasn't until I looked up at him that it finally registered what was happening. He was holding me, his hand was softly cupping my chin, and then all of a sudden he was kissing me.

My heart fluttered and for a moment I panicked, but I let myself have it all. I softly closed my eyes, I let myself kiss back.

Our lips meshed together, I felt himself deepen the kiss until I was drowning in bliss, wrapping my arms around his neck and pulling him closer, wanting to be closer. And then we couldn't stop. His lips attacked mine and we were heating up. My hands were traveling everywhere, just wanting to feel the contact of his skin on mine. We peeled off each other's clothes, he led me to the bed. We breathed into each other, not ever snapping out of it. Not until the next morning.

**Author's Note:**

> AHHH! It took me so long to finally write a solid chapter for this story! There were so many things I wanted to do, but now I finally know where I'm headed on this! Thank you so much for reading this! Please tell me if I made any mistakes, especially if I fucked up Hanji's pronouns somewhere. I tried using they/them pronouns all the way through, and if I fucked up somewhere I'd really like to know. Also please comment and Kudos if you can. I worked really hard on this chapter, so feedback would be great. Thank you lovelies!


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